• Pain: 2/10
• Inconvenience: 5/10

Look at that big, fat lip!

Edit: Today, work was much more bearable. I’m starting to feel a little better every morning.

I’m officially 30 lbs lighter than I was 2 weeks ago. Screw that bogus (and expensive) acai berry diet! If you really want to lose weight, just get your jaw wired shut. I will personally guarantee your results.

I just finished eating “lunch” here at work. Today, “lunch” consisted of 2 chocolate Ensure drinks, and I conveniently spilled them all down my shirt and onto my pants. Oh well, at least it doesn’t show up too much on my WHITE FREAKING SHIRT!!!

My new best friend is Chunky soup, preferably of the beef, steak or sirloin burger persuasion. I’ve been blending up a can at a time (with a bit of milk to remove any substance it may have once had). They’re delicious! Still not filling, but rather tasty.

People keep telling me they’re impressed with my positive attitude. I find that odd, since all I’ve done on this blog (and to people in real life) for the past 2 weeks is complain. That being said, I realize this is only temporary. By the time summer rolls around, I’ll be back to normal, and I get to enjoy my proper bite for the rest of my life (or at least until my teeth fall out). I think a lot of people would be a lot happier if they would accept the fact that their present situation is only temporary. Is school eating you up? Don’t worry, summer holidays are only a few weeks away. Is your current job destroying you? Chances are you won’t hold that same job for the rest of your life. Or even better yet, if you don’t like your job and you have the opportunity, quit. Go find something to do that makes you happy. It could change your life.

I’m beginning to feel quite rude. It’s difficult to go through a day without being able to engage in the common social niceties–things like “hello” and “how was your day?”

I also really miss hanging out with friends. Allow me to walk you through a typical day in my life right now:

• Wake up after a few hours of sleep with a throbbing jaw
• Take forever and a day to get ready for work (breakfast: smoothie, glass of juice, glass of water)
• Deal with a headache at work all day (lunch: Ensure drinks)
• Drive home, appreciating the sunshine every step of the way
• Eat some blended Chunky soup and think about being full to try and trick my stomach into thinking it actually is, in fact, full (no matter how much liquid you consume, your body will not feel full)
• Ignore calls from friends because I can’t talk
• Listen to the voicemails they leave and wish I was all healed up
• Eat some more soup because I’m hungry again
• Play Batman and do awesome kickflips
• Go to sleep with my cherished hotpack, which smells like cereal after being heated up in the microwave, thus reinforcing my hunger

It’s delightful, isn’t it?

Anyway, today I had my second appointment with my surgeon. While one of his assistants was removing my elastics, she slipped with the scissors and jabbed them right into my lip. Ouch. They taught me how to remove the elastics myself, so I can now take them off to eat and brush whenever I please. They also reduced the number of elastics from 4 down to just 2, so it is much easier to talk now. I actually had a 5-minute conversation with someone at work today. It was a beautiful thing.

I ran into my partner in crime at the doctor’s office as well. Remember the girl that had surgery the same day as I did? She only had her bottom jaw operated on, and she is looking much better than I am. She can talk quite clearly and it seemed like her swelling was almost all gone. She looked fit to be in public! That’s more than I can say for myself. My face is peeling, and I have a weird rash forming around my nose. I’m bringing sexy back.

“I’m just thankful I don’t have to get my Mom to bathe me!”

To my friend who said that to me, thank you. Just for the books, I do not require assistance while bathing, thank you very much!

To wrap this post up, I’d like to say thanks to everyone who is making plans to go out for dinner with me when I’m back to normal. I think I’m going to devote my entire income to eating out for a few months once that happens. Seriously. I also plan on having no less than 1 million barbecues with my neighbors upstairs.

And for those of you who feel bad whenever you’re cooking around me, don’t worry about it. I still enjoy the scent of good food. I can’t believe how many apologies I’ve received from others who are eating in my presence. I brought this on myself. Now don’t go feeling sorry for me.